Thursday, February 6

Life in Ottawa...

This is to be the first installment in a continuing saga. An epic story detailing the events taking place in the life of one Chip Tijuana. In these posts every aspect of life will be explored, emotions will be put under the magnifying glass for all to investigate, fear and joy will be laid bare through literary devices. And some goofy stories will be shared with you, the audience.

Our first story will centre around Greg, Chip’s roommate and friend since his first year of College. We will begin with a description of Greg. Hopefully it will allow you to come just that much closer to experiencing the story for yourself.

Greg is best described as a sexually frustrated, loud, obnoxious male in his early twenties. He’s just a shade taller than six feet tall, and has the build of your average lazy college student. His last name is Habjan, and he will be referred to by many names, Greg, Habjan, Hoopajoop, Habby, and Jackass, to mention a few. Greg has a fairly normal shaped head, I know this because he shaves it regularly. He usually has some form of facial hair, whether it be a handle bar mustache, a goatee, or five o’clock shadow (which appears on his face mere minutes after shaving). Greg prefers to wear bright coloured shirts, orange being his favourite, he has an unhealthy obsession with monkeys, fears marionettes, claims to be sexually attracted to fire, and has really sweaty palms.

Now that you’ve got an idea of what Greg looks like, and are beginning to understand what he acts like, I will regale you with a tale of love and betrayal. Actually I’m going to tell you about how we signed him up on Blind Date’s website last night.

My girlfriend (PixiStix) and I (Chip Tijuana) were watching television last night. I was enjoying my dinner of chicken fingers and french fries, and she wasn’t eating anything. Pixi claimed she wasn’t hungry. Greg was on his computer working on some sort of school or work related project.
The television show we were watching was Blind Date. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show, well it’s pretty self explanatory, or visit the link above. Anyway, we were watching Blind Date, and as everyone knows, almost every girl on that show is either a complete slut or a total ice queen. No offense to Ice Queen. And as everyone knows, most of those sluts have nice fake boobs.
So my girlfriend and I, realizing how much Habjan likes fake boobs, and sluts, decided that he would be a perfect contestant on the Blind Date television show. After debating the issue amongst ourselves we decided to ask Greg how he felt about it. Actually, since the computer is only about ten feet from the couch we didn’t have much choice, as he had over heard us talking.
Fortunately Greg loved the idea of trying to get on the show. But we had to think of a sure fire way to make the Blind Date producers notice Habjan. After much debate I finally happened upon a brilliant idea. We would simply let Greg be himself.
What is more entertaining than a horny young man with absolutely no idea how to treat a woman? I mean Greg just CANNOT take a hint. He’s horrible with those subtle signals that women are so fond of giving out, and he is downright pushy. Hell, this guy should have been brought up on thirty counts of date rape by now, and that’s just including his sister!
No really, Habjan is horrible with women. He’s a real close talker when drunk, and nothing short of a slap in the face will convince him that a girl isn’t interested.
So Greg accessed the Blind Date website and filled out an application. PixiStix and I coached him through the tough spots, you know things like punctuation, spelling and grammar. We also came up with several suggestions when it called for him to do things like describe his turn ons and turn offs. Some of which included: Turn On - Open Flames. Turn Offs - Unidentified Fungus.
After submitting the application we patiently waited for Blind Date to e mail or call us. We’re still waiting. But if anything happens I’ll be sure to post it here.

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